NOTE: I wrote this piece last month for one of the sites I work at. They rejected it on the grounds that it didn't fit the style of the site. That happens A LOT in writing (the trick is not to take it personally). Anyway, I worked hard on it and I was proud of the end results, so I thought I'd post it here. Hope you like it. CQ
“Take all my loves, my love, yea, take them all:
What hast thou then more than thou hadst before?
No love, my love, then thou mayst true love call;
All mine was thine before thou hadst this more.
- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 40.
In the above sonnet, the poet is asking how he can possibly give more of himself to the object of his affections if she already possesses his heart.
It’s quite nice, isn’t it? Quite sweet.
It is also an exceedingly common theme in the music and popular culture of our (or any) era.
Echoes of this timeless yearning can be heard in ancient mythology from around the world, classic operas and yes, even that awful corporate RnB stuff that they insist on playing in trendy clubs and bars these days...
It seems, then, that us men want nothing more than to please our better halves.
However, rather disappointingly, it also suggests that we have got no clue whatsoever how to go about doing it and, perhaps even worse, that no bloke has yet figured it out in literally thousands of years of Human civilization.
...But you knew that, didn’t you?
Look, I’m not coming to you with the all the answers; I won’t provide any ‘eureka’ moments here. Pretty much everything I’m going to write will fall under the basic banners of either ‘common sense’ or ‘not being a pr!ck’.
In fact, I really ought to take most of this advice myself...
Still, if you read this and get a few ideas on how to make your significant other a happier lady (or gentleman, for that matter. The advice here -for the most part- is not limited to male/female relationships), then I haven’t wasted my time and for that, I’m glad.
Alright, without further ado about nothing (groan!) here's 10 ways that you can become a better boyfriend!
10. Watch More ‘Girly’ Movies (Even Though You Know They Suck!)
I’m quite lucky; my girl is a Sci-Fi fan like me. She’s a brainy, geeky, slightly tomboyish type, so her idea of a good night in front of the telly is a lot like mine, lots of Star Trek, Stargate and Doctor Who. With toast and marmite thrown in.
However, she also loves girly movies and I...Well, I don’t.
After a hard day of staring blankly at my computer screen, drinking a veritable ocean of caffeine and churning out these pithy (yet hopefully still enjoyable) articles, I am not usually in the mood to watch some piece of sh!t starring Katherine Heigl or Renee Zellweger wherein the biggest predicament facing the central characters is that, try as they might, they just can’t find a man.
I want to watch John McClane or Martin Riggs killing people and blowing sh!t up, dammit!
Besides, some of those girly movies are so bargain basement dreadful that I’d sooner rip my own eyes out with a hot spatula than try to sit through them. In any instance, I keep praying for Danny Trejo to show up and massacre the entire cast.
However, part of not being single is learning that life is not just about you anymore. For sure, you might think it would be a great idea to eat pizza every night, watch football all day and fill your home with action figures and posters of sexy ladies (or men – whatever you’re into), but your partner has to live there too. Its all about learning how to compromise. This means that some nights, she needs to watch Commando or Conan. But equally, there will be nights when you need to watch Bridget F’N Jones.
What you can do to aid this transition is find rom coms that are actually good. They honestly do exist. Pretty Woman, for example, is actually a superb film, with a sharp, witty script and brilliant performances all round. Plus, it has George Costanza in it, baby!
You might also find that you even enjoy some of them in spite of yourself. To this day, I can’t put my finger on quite why I like it, but Three To Tango, starring Matthew Perry, Neve Campbell and (the sorely underrated) Oliver Platt is one girly movie that I personally really like. OK, nobody gets brutally dismembered, but it does hold the record for most penis in a single season (watch the movie if you don’t get that gag).
09. Learn To Cook.
Yeah, it’s an outmoded stereotype (‘oh look, men can’t cook!’), but even still, you’d be surprised at just how many men still expect their girlfriend or partner to do all the cooking, even when she/he is out working and has a career of their own.
Besides, is it not an even more outmoded notion that one partner needs to do the entirety of the cooking? You’re both going to eat it, after all...
The fact is, that a man who doesn’t know how to cook is sorely missing out, even before relationships are included in the equation. As males, probably the only thing that rivals our main desire is food. Now, we’re dependent on others for the first one (in fact, some of us even have to develop rudimentary social skills and complex grooming rituals in order to obtain it), but why must we be dependent on others for good eats as well?
Besides, everybody knows that the best way to entertain a prospective date or love interest is to cook them a great meal.
Sure, restaurants are fun and all, but it’s harder to get someone back to your place from a restaurant than it is if they are already at your place in the first...um...place.
A man who can cook is already a step or two closer to getting with the one he wants. I mean, who ever turns down a free meal?
Get on Youtube or buy a recipe book and just give it a go. The worst that will happen is that the food sucks, you make a lot of washing up and then you end up ordering a pizza. If it really stinks, then your relationship has a new running joke, doesn’t it?
Your partner will appreciate the effort (assuming you don’t leave them to do the washing up while you scarf down their leftover pizza!), so you’ll still come out tops.
In conclusion, (if you don’t know how already) learn to cook. You have nothing to lose, but so much to gain.
08. Be More Observant.
If he/she really likes you, then they will make an effort to look nice for you.
Admittedly, it is a little different when you live together. My special someone, for example, practically lives in her pyjamas and, for my part, all I ever wear is beat-up jeans and old band T-shirts, but when you’re still in those early stages, you can pretty much guarantee that the object of your affections has carefully considered what they are wearing, how their hair looks and so on.
Simply by complimenting your partner’s hair, clothing or jewellery, you will instantly be thought of as “thoughtful” “considerate” and “sweet” (which, if you’re aiming to impress, are three things you definitely want to be). You’re also going to be a cut above their last partner, who, almost certainly, never did any of those things (especially if it was a long term relationship), because men almost never do.
If your partner gets a haircut, new clothes or even a new set of earrings, it pays to notice and be kind.
Keep your eyes open, lads.
07. Take an Interest in their Interests.
My girlfriend is a bellydancer (I know, right!?). Now, before I met her, I knew nothing at all about bellydance. In fact, I thought it was like stripping or something. Now, however, I can name all of her favourite dancers and I’ve been to more dance performances than I can easily remember. I even recognize the hallmarks of good choreography (as opposed to bad choreography) and I can spot (and name) the different styles of bellydance by their unique costumes, movements and musical accompaniment.
This is not because I have a great interest in bellydance, it is because I took an interest in her interests.
In turn, my other half knows loads of stuff about pro wrestling. She understands jargon such as ‘heel’ (bad guy) ‘babyface’ (good guy) and ‘getting over’ (being popular). She playfully pushed me off the bed earlier this evening and then accused me of “over-selling” it when I launched myself, Dolph Ziggler style, off the bed and onto the floor. She roots for Daniel Bryan when I watch WWE and her favourite wrestler ever appears to be Eddie Guerrero (damn fine choice if you ask me). Now, my lady is no wrestling fan, but she took an interest in my interests.
In truth, you and your partner probably won’t like the same stuff as each other, but you can certainly give it a go.
You never know, you might just enjoy yourself!
06. Don’t Be So Jealous!
We’re men. It’s in our nature to be jealous; it’s just a part of who we are.
All men, especially young men, will feel jealous of another dude at some point in their lives. If you’re reading this and thinking ‘I’m not jealous and I never have been’, then you’re either pitifully self-delusional, or else you’re one of those annoyingly well-adjusted people with perfect lives, straight, dazzlingly white teeth and a private jet (in which case, f*ck you).
The truth is, however, that the phrase “I trust you, I just don’t trust him” (you know you’ve said it before) is terrifically insulting to your partner. It basically implies that your loved one is a helpless, submissive victim to the romantic advances or other men. Nice one, dude. You’re calling her a drunken slut in not so many words.
...And you wonder why she gets mad!?
In reality, our jealousy comes from insecurity. The real reason why you’re so worried about that other guy (or any other guy, for that matter) is because, deep down, you don’t feel like you’re good enough for your partner.
Well, if that’s the case, then why are they with you and not the other bloke?
Your partner doesn’t see you the way that you see yourself. If she/he did, then there is no way they’d ever have gone out with you in the first place! For some crazy reason, they love you.
Not him: YOU.
Don't question it and just to get on with your life.
...And OK, let’s say that they do get off with that guy, or even that they leave you for him? (Hey, it’s happened to everyone! It isn’t just you, OK?). If that happens, then the other guy, no matter how much he may gloat like a dog winning a tug-of-war, has actually done you a MASSIVE favour – and he’s messed himself up at the same time. How? Well, he’s saved you a lot of heartache and anxiety and he’s brought it all upon himself, because the chances are that your ex will become his ex under the exact same circumstances.
Sometimes, people suck and partners cheat. You’re better off knowing now (honestly).
As for day-to-day jealousy, it’s all about finding a level of comfort that you can both live with. If your partner’s idea of a good night out is dressing in next-to-nothing and flirting with complete strangers, but you’re not OK with that, then the relationship probably won’t work out anyway. Opposites attract, but only to a certain point.
Bottom line: if you expect your partner to live by your rules and to become somebody that they fundamentally aren’t, then YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS BEING AN A$$HOLE, not your partner (more on this point later).
Trusting someone is about letting go of your hang-ups and placing your faith in them. You have to trust your partner not to drink until they bleed and wake up with a complete stranger; for that matter, you have to trust your partner not to do anything to hurt you. The tragedy is that sometimes that trust gets betrayed. You can’t change this. Trying to prevent it from happening will just make you come across as an overly controlling d!ckweed.
Or, in the words of Duc De La Rouchefoucauld,
“it is more shameful to doubt one’s friends than to be duped by them”.
Think on it.
05. Listen More.
A relationship will only grow through good communication and, if you don’t grow together, you can only grow apart.
My girlfriend works in finance, but her job makes no sense to me. I don’t actually understand what it is she does all day. I do try to gain an insight, but I’m just too dumb to figure it out in my own head. Whenever she tries to explain it to me (and I swear that this isn’t a joke, it is 100% true), she gets a few sentences in and I hear the theme song from The Magic Roundabout whirring around in my head, its the same deal when she tells me about her day.
This is what I hear...
“So, I said to the customer that – DooDooDooDooDoo-DeeDeeDeeDeeDeeDee-DoeDoeDoeDeeDee-DeeDeeDeeDooDeeDeeDoo...What do you think my love?”
Of course, I always agree with her.
...The point is not that I am a moron with a wooden brain who is apparently obsessed with kids TV, the point is that I asked about her day.
Sometimes people just need to speak aloud for a little while. My best friend calls it “getting the owwies out”. It may sound silly, but he’s right, sometimes all you have to do is act as a sounding board for your partner.
As men, we are dull and utilitarian. If you girls come to us with a problem, we will assume that you are in search of a solution and we will try to fix it for you. When you tell us to “stop interrupting”, we become indignant and an argument usually ensues. What we don’t understand is why you came to us with a problem if you did not require our help to find a solution. It’s a ridiculous waste of time, right?
Wrong.
Look at your partner’s friends, her closest friends. Have those people EVER actually solved a single problem for her? Personally, I doubt it.
However, your partner will almost certainly say that their best friends have “stuck by them” or “seen them through so many hard times”. As men, we understand this as referencing various acts of problem solving, but it isn’t. They were simply there to offer moral and emotional support and to let their friend, your partner, “get the owwies out”.
Nothing ever gets solved in these situations, there are always more problems on the horizon and oftentimes everybody just forgets about it once they’ve had a good old cry and listened to some terrible music together.
Maybe that’s why we blokes hate those girly movies so much?
Now, my man Danny Trejo? He gets sh!t done.
...But Machete is hardly a relationship role model, now is he?
Sometimes, its good to just open your ears, nod your head and SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
04. Do Things ‘Just Because’.
The ‘just because’ present is big.
It is bigger than birthday presents, bigger than Valentine’s treats and bigger than Christmas gifts.
Why? Because it’s unexpected, that’s why.
It shows that you are thinking of them when you weren’t legally required to be doing so.
Your partner expects a gift for his/her birthday, they expect a gift for Christmas, but they don’t expect a gift for a Tuesday.
A little something you bought on your way home from work, i.e. a bunch of flowers, a CD or a cuddly toy (if he/she is into those) isn’t going to cost the earth, but it’ll really brighten up your lover’s day.
Of course, you don’t want to overdo it, like Ross in Friends when he peppered Rachel’s office with balloons, cards, lovebugs and a barbershop quartet, because that’s just scary and stalkeresque. Plus, it’ll ruin the effect of the ‘just because’ present (and you’ll run out of money). However, a little token of your affection can go a long way.
A surprise meal (obviously, you’ll have to attempt Step 9 first), complete with candles, soft music and dim lighting, will do wonders for any relationship, as will a surprise restaurant trip or (if you can afford it) a weekend away.
It doesn’t take a lot of money to be thoughtful and to do things ‘just because’, but it will certainly bring a smile to your partner’s face.
03. Get to Know Your Partner’s Friends.
Unless your lover is a blind hobo who lives in a cave, your partner probably has a group of friends. If you’re lucky, these friends will range from the genuinely tolerable, to the flat-out infuriating. If you’re unlucky...Hooboy, that’s an article in and of itself.
FYI, I’m basing this one specifically on male/female relationships, largely because I’m working from my own experiences, sorry fellas.
Let’s take a look at your partner’s friends, one by one, shall we?
First, there’s The Bossy One (TBO), the one who dominates your loved-one’s life in a way that you would never dream of doing. TBO is arrogant, rude, conceited and very, very LOUD. Yes, she’s awful.
Remember though, that they all slag her off behind her back and none of them really like her, they’re just waiting for her to fail. I’m sorry, but women, when they get together at least, can be nasty, nasty creatures. They’re a bit like crabs in a bucket. I spent four years being the only male in an all-female workplace and, ladies, I know the truth – you girls are far nastier to each other than us guys are.
We dudes just beat each other up occasionally; women really go for the jugular.
Next, there’s The Sexy One (TSO), this is the one that you secretly fancy and the one you wouldn’t mind going after if you were single. It is definitely best not to tell your girlfriend that you think her friend is sexy. It usually starts out as an innocent joke and ends, not with the frantic whitehot sexual ecstasy of a sweat-soaked menage a trois, but with an unwinnable argument and her bringing it up again and again and again ad infi-F’N-nitum.
Sometimes in life it is best to keep your mouth firmly shut – this is one of those times.
Then of course, there’s The Best Friend (TBF), TBF is the one who’s “been through” everything with your partner (remember, this does not mean that she fixed the problems, just that she is a good listener). TBF can either be someone you genuinely like and get along well with (good), or else it’ll be someone who is a horrible f*ck up in her own life and tries to bring your girl down with her (bad). In either instance, there really isn’t much you can do about it – TBF will be there forever.
Don’t swim against the current, mate. You’ll just drown.
Sometimes, there’s also the Male Best Friend (MBF). Nothing ever happened there and you wonder if anything ever will. The chances are that it won’t and, if you force the issue, you’ll come off second best, I promise. On this one, leave well enough alone (remember Step 6).
As a sub-category of MBF, if you’re lucky, you’ll get the Gay Best Friend (GBF). Provided that he is actually gay (and not faking it in order to get closer to women – and, bizarre as it may seem, that GENUINELY DOES HAPPEN), the gay best friend can be a limitless source of hints, tips and information.
NOTE: The GBF is NOT the same as the MBF (the MBF is just as stupid and clueless about women as you are), the GBF is far smarter and more sophisticated.
Gay men are more observant, more thoughtful and far more able to read women than we are. Quite why Mother Nature planned it that way is beyond me, but, while you have access to such a powerful force for good in your relationship, you may as well use it.
I realize, of course, that this is a stereotype, not all gay men are caring, understanding and thoughtful. However, even the selfish, lazy and thoughtless ones have got us straight guys beat.
I guess they just wanted it more...
Finally, there’s the (shudder) Ex Boyfriend (XBF), these are usually either harmless, genuine friends (good) or else they are vipers waiting for their next turn to strike (bad), deciding which can be difficult. Just remember to ignore him and to trust her.
Yes, the XBF scenario can be bad. However, this situation will resolve itself in time. Either you’ll be out of the picture (in which case, he’ll try to get back in faster than you can say, “we were on a break!”) or else your relationship will last a while (in which case he’ll go after someone else once he gets bored).
The bad kind of XBF WANTS to make you jealous, because then your partner gets mad at you and then he can be there to pick up the pieces. So, just make your partner happy using these 10 steps. To this second type of XBF, seeing your partner happy and contented is like a vampire seeing a shiny new cross. He won’t like it. Now, he might not burst into flames and die in a screaming inferno of righteous fury (which, honestly, is something of a shame), but he will take the hint and look elsewhere for his next conquest.
Collectively, these people might be so annoying, that you’ll be praying for Danny Trejo to show up and kill them all, but, like your girlfriend’s parents, they are along for the ride, whether you like it or not. And, just like your girlfriend’s parents, they will probably never actually like you. All you can do is win her over and treat her right (and that’s all that counts really, isn’t it?)
Take the time to get to know the whole crazy gang, at least a little. It is a sign of commitment and she will appreciate it.
Remember, she also has to take the time to get to know your friends, (look at them, the pothead, the super-nerd and the perv) so it’s no picnic for her either.
02. Give Your Loved One Some Space Every Once in a While.
Generally, we men either give our loved ones far too much space (e.g. they are practically begging for our attention all the time), or we don’t give them nearly enough (e.g. we’re calling all the time, we’re constantly badgering them for affection etc etc etc).
We just can’t seem to get the balance right.
On a bad day, it seems like they don’t get enough attention when we’re busy gaming or reading this week’s comic selection, but then we are crowding them with too much attention when their favourite TV show is on or they’re anxiously checking their Facebook for the 15th time this minute (seriously, what is so fascinating on there?).
The point is that your partner, be they male or female, can (and does) need personal space. If you’re a sweet natured and bookish guy, ever wondered why your exes all went out with rugged, emotionless psycho rugby players right after you? Ditto, if you’re a tough, well-built and noncommittal sort of dude, have you ever wondered why your ex is shacked up with a pitiful pencil-necked geek these days?
It’s a space thing, nothing more.
If you were too clingy, your ex now wants an emotional cripple, a war veteran or a creepy taxidermist, perhaps. The closer they can get to an emotionless date rapist or serial killer, the better. However, if you were too distant, they’ll be on the look out for a poet, a sensitive singer-songwriter, or some other type of tw@ with girly hair and a lot of ‘personal issues’.
Sometimes, your partner just needs to be left alone. He/she isn’t mad at you (although it might seem that way at first), they just need a bit of ‘me time’ (or maybe ‘she time’ or even ‘he time’ – whatever, delete as applicable).
The trick to this is simply to give it to them. Go out with your own pervy, nerdy, pothead friends, make that call home you’ve been putting off, or just shut up and get on with the dinner.
Buzzing around your partner like an annoying bee (in your eyes, you’re a sweet little lovebug, but, in your lover’s eyes, you’re an annoying, and oddly hairy, stinging insect) simply will not help. They will snap, you’ll snap back and the whole thing just gets ugly.
Best tactic? Just go off on your own (no sulking, fellas) and have some ‘you time’ (NOTE: this was not intended as a euphemism for masturbation...It just kinda reads that way).
1. Love Your Partner For Who They Are, Not For Who You Want Them To Be.
It sounds obvious enough, but, to many of us, it really isn’t.
Here’s the cold, horrible truth. For some of you reading this, the following sentence will hit you pretty hard (and I’m sorry in advance for it), but...
If you want to change your partner, then you don’t really want to be with them.
The truth is, that unless you’re dating a heroin addict or a problem drinker, you shouldn’t want your partner to change. Trying to change someone is your heart’s way of telling you that you need to be with someone else.
I don’t mean wanting to help your loved one become more assertive, or trying to get them into the TV shows you like, I mean trying to make a dull person exciting, or a stupid person smarter. Trying to change them on a fundamental level is wrong.
It simply will not work, either. You’ll be wasting your time (and hurting your partner in the process). People are who they are. For the most part, that doesn't change.
It's like that old parable about the fox and the scorpion, you know that one?
Well, for those who don’t, essentially, the scorpion wants to get to the other side of the river, but he can’t swim. So he asks the fox for a ride.
The fox (who can swim), agrees to help, but is dismayed when the scorpion stings him halfway through the trip.
“You idiot!” the fox yelps with his dying breath “Now we’ll both die! Why did you do that?”
“Sorry” says the scorpion, “its just what I do”.
The point is that you should love your partner for the person that they are and not the person you might want them to be. Accept their flaws with love and kindness and they will be far more likely to reciprocate (remember, you’re likely not as great a catch as you may think you are).
I can be, to borrow a line from Alanis Morrisette, “an asshole of the grandest kind”. I can be stubborn, obstinate, self-absorbed and, at times, downright cold-blooded - and yet I am loved. I can only guess that my girl loves me for who I am. The same way that I love her.
Your partner may bewilder you at times, they may very well infuriate you, but the truth is that if you really love them, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Relationships, above all, are supposed to be fun. Don’t expect things that your partner can’t deliver, otherwise you’ll be constantly disappointed when they don’t deliver them. Basically, don’t try an order a Chinese meal from a pizza parlour and you won’t be disappointed with what arrives at your door.
Well, that’s it. Like I said, its just common sense really.
Now, I’m quite sure I’ll get more than a little bit of flack from the ‘comments’ section below. Go for it, but just remember to be kind.
For everyone else:
What works for you?
What have I missed out?
Got any funny ex-partner stories?
Did you try any of the suggestions described in this piece? If so, what happened?
I want to know what YOU think.
- CQ
“Take all my loves, my love, yea, take them all:
What hast thou then more than thou hadst before?
No love, my love, then thou mayst true love call;
All mine was thine before thou hadst this more.
- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 40.
In the above sonnet, the poet is asking how he can possibly give more of himself to the object of his affections if she already possesses his heart.
It’s quite nice, isn’t it? Quite sweet.
It is also an exceedingly common theme in the music and popular culture of our (or any) era.
Echoes of this timeless yearning can be heard in ancient mythology from around the world, classic operas and yes, even that awful corporate RnB stuff that they insist on playing in trendy clubs and bars these days...
It seems, then, that us men want nothing more than to please our better halves.
However, rather disappointingly, it also suggests that we have got no clue whatsoever how to go about doing it and, perhaps even worse, that no bloke has yet figured it out in literally thousands of years of Human civilization.
...But you knew that, didn’t you?
Look, I’m not coming to you with the all the answers; I won’t provide any ‘eureka’ moments here. Pretty much everything I’m going to write will fall under the basic banners of either ‘common sense’ or ‘not being a pr!ck’.
In fact, I really ought to take most of this advice myself...
Still, if you read this and get a few ideas on how to make your significant other a happier lady (or gentleman, for that matter. The advice here -for the most part- is not limited to male/female relationships), then I haven’t wasted my time and for that, I’m glad.
Alright, without further ado about nothing (groan!) here's 10 ways that you can become a better boyfriend!
10. Watch More ‘Girly’ Movies (Even Though You Know They Suck!)
I’m quite lucky; my girl is a Sci-Fi fan like me. She’s a brainy, geeky, slightly tomboyish type, so her idea of a good night in front of the telly is a lot like mine, lots of Star Trek, Stargate and Doctor Who. With toast and marmite thrown in.
However, she also loves girly movies and I...Well, I don’t.
After a hard day of staring blankly at my computer screen, drinking a veritable ocean of caffeine and churning out these pithy (yet hopefully still enjoyable) articles, I am not usually in the mood to watch some piece of sh!t starring Katherine Heigl or Renee Zellweger wherein the biggest predicament facing the central characters is that, try as they might, they just can’t find a man.
I want to watch John McClane or Martin Riggs killing people and blowing sh!t up, dammit!
Besides, some of those girly movies are so bargain basement dreadful that I’d sooner rip my own eyes out with a hot spatula than try to sit through them. In any instance, I keep praying for Danny Trejo to show up and massacre the entire cast.
However, part of not being single is learning that life is not just about you anymore. For sure, you might think it would be a great idea to eat pizza every night, watch football all day and fill your home with action figures and posters of sexy ladies (or men – whatever you’re into), but your partner has to live there too. Its all about learning how to compromise. This means that some nights, she needs to watch Commando or Conan. But equally, there will be nights when you need to watch Bridget F’N Jones.
What you can do to aid this transition is find rom coms that are actually good. They honestly do exist. Pretty Woman, for example, is actually a superb film, with a sharp, witty script and brilliant performances all round. Plus, it has George Costanza in it, baby!
You might also find that you even enjoy some of them in spite of yourself. To this day, I can’t put my finger on quite why I like it, but Three To Tango, starring Matthew Perry, Neve Campbell and (the sorely underrated) Oliver Platt is one girly movie that I personally really like. OK, nobody gets brutally dismembered, but it does hold the record for most penis in a single season (watch the movie if you don’t get that gag).
09. Learn To Cook.
Yeah, it’s an outmoded stereotype (‘oh look, men can’t cook!’), but even still, you’d be surprised at just how many men still expect their girlfriend or partner to do all the cooking, even when she/he is out working and has a career of their own.
Besides, is it not an even more outmoded notion that one partner needs to do the entirety of the cooking? You’re both going to eat it, after all...
The fact is, that a man who doesn’t know how to cook is sorely missing out, even before relationships are included in the equation. As males, probably the only thing that rivals our main desire is food. Now, we’re dependent on others for the first one (in fact, some of us even have to develop rudimentary social skills and complex grooming rituals in order to obtain it), but why must we be dependent on others for good eats as well?
Besides, everybody knows that the best way to entertain a prospective date or love interest is to cook them a great meal.
Sure, restaurants are fun and all, but it’s harder to get someone back to your place from a restaurant than it is if they are already at your place in the first...um...place.
A man who can cook is already a step or two closer to getting with the one he wants. I mean, who ever turns down a free meal?
Get on Youtube or buy a recipe book and just give it a go. The worst that will happen is that the food sucks, you make a lot of washing up and then you end up ordering a pizza. If it really stinks, then your relationship has a new running joke, doesn’t it?
Your partner will appreciate the effort (assuming you don’t leave them to do the washing up while you scarf down their leftover pizza!), so you’ll still come out tops.
In conclusion, (if you don’t know how already) learn to cook. You have nothing to lose, but so much to gain.
08. Be More Observant.
If he/she really likes you, then they will make an effort to look nice for you.
Admittedly, it is a little different when you live together. My special someone, for example, practically lives in her pyjamas and, for my part, all I ever wear is beat-up jeans and old band T-shirts, but when you’re still in those early stages, you can pretty much guarantee that the object of your affections has carefully considered what they are wearing, how their hair looks and so on.
Simply by complimenting your partner’s hair, clothing or jewellery, you will instantly be thought of as “thoughtful” “considerate” and “sweet” (which, if you’re aiming to impress, are three things you definitely want to be). You’re also going to be a cut above their last partner, who, almost certainly, never did any of those things (especially if it was a long term relationship), because men almost never do.
If your partner gets a haircut, new clothes or even a new set of earrings, it pays to notice and be kind.
Keep your eyes open, lads.
07. Take an Interest in their Interests.
My girlfriend is a bellydancer (I know, right!?). Now, before I met her, I knew nothing at all about bellydance. In fact, I thought it was like stripping or something. Now, however, I can name all of her favourite dancers and I’ve been to more dance performances than I can easily remember. I even recognize the hallmarks of good choreography (as opposed to bad choreography) and I can spot (and name) the different styles of bellydance by their unique costumes, movements and musical accompaniment.
This is not because I have a great interest in bellydance, it is because I took an interest in her interests.
In turn, my other half knows loads of stuff about pro wrestling. She understands jargon such as ‘heel’ (bad guy) ‘babyface’ (good guy) and ‘getting over’ (being popular). She playfully pushed me off the bed earlier this evening and then accused me of “over-selling” it when I launched myself, Dolph Ziggler style, off the bed and onto the floor. She roots for Daniel Bryan when I watch WWE and her favourite wrestler ever appears to be Eddie Guerrero (damn fine choice if you ask me). Now, my lady is no wrestling fan, but she took an interest in my interests.
In truth, you and your partner probably won’t like the same stuff as each other, but you can certainly give it a go.
You never know, you might just enjoy yourself!
06. Don’t Be So Jealous!
We’re men. It’s in our nature to be jealous; it’s just a part of who we are.
All men, especially young men, will feel jealous of another dude at some point in their lives. If you’re reading this and thinking ‘I’m not jealous and I never have been’, then you’re either pitifully self-delusional, or else you’re one of those annoyingly well-adjusted people with perfect lives, straight, dazzlingly white teeth and a private jet (in which case, f*ck you).
The truth is, however, that the phrase “I trust you, I just don’t trust him” (you know you’ve said it before) is terrifically insulting to your partner. It basically implies that your loved one is a helpless, submissive victim to the romantic advances or other men. Nice one, dude. You’re calling her a drunken slut in not so many words.
...And you wonder why she gets mad!?
In reality, our jealousy comes from insecurity. The real reason why you’re so worried about that other guy (or any other guy, for that matter) is because, deep down, you don’t feel like you’re good enough for your partner.
Well, if that’s the case, then why are they with you and not the other bloke?
Your partner doesn’t see you the way that you see yourself. If she/he did, then there is no way they’d ever have gone out with you in the first place! For some crazy reason, they love you.
Not him: YOU.
Don't question it and just to get on with your life.
...And OK, let’s say that they do get off with that guy, or even that they leave you for him? (Hey, it’s happened to everyone! It isn’t just you, OK?). If that happens, then the other guy, no matter how much he may gloat like a dog winning a tug-of-war, has actually done you a MASSIVE favour – and he’s messed himself up at the same time. How? Well, he’s saved you a lot of heartache and anxiety and he’s brought it all upon himself, because the chances are that your ex will become his ex under the exact same circumstances.
Sometimes, people suck and partners cheat. You’re better off knowing now (honestly).
As for day-to-day jealousy, it’s all about finding a level of comfort that you can both live with. If your partner’s idea of a good night out is dressing in next-to-nothing and flirting with complete strangers, but you’re not OK with that, then the relationship probably won’t work out anyway. Opposites attract, but only to a certain point.
Bottom line: if you expect your partner to live by your rules and to become somebody that they fundamentally aren’t, then YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS BEING AN A$$HOLE, not your partner (more on this point later).
Trusting someone is about letting go of your hang-ups and placing your faith in them. You have to trust your partner not to drink until they bleed and wake up with a complete stranger; for that matter, you have to trust your partner not to do anything to hurt you. The tragedy is that sometimes that trust gets betrayed. You can’t change this. Trying to prevent it from happening will just make you come across as an overly controlling d!ckweed.
Or, in the words of Duc De La Rouchefoucauld,
“it is more shameful to doubt one’s friends than to be duped by them”.
Think on it.
05. Listen More.
A relationship will only grow through good communication and, if you don’t grow together, you can only grow apart.
My girlfriend works in finance, but her job makes no sense to me. I don’t actually understand what it is she does all day. I do try to gain an insight, but I’m just too dumb to figure it out in my own head. Whenever she tries to explain it to me (and I swear that this isn’t a joke, it is 100% true), she gets a few sentences in and I hear the theme song from The Magic Roundabout whirring around in my head, its the same deal when she tells me about her day.
This is what I hear...
“So, I said to the customer that – DooDooDooDooDoo-DeeDeeDeeDeeDeeDee-DoeDoeDoeDeeDee-DeeDeeDeeDooDeeDeeDoo...What do you think my love?”
Of course, I always agree with her.
...The point is not that I am a moron with a wooden brain who is apparently obsessed with kids TV, the point is that I asked about her day.
Sometimes people just need to speak aloud for a little while. My best friend calls it “getting the owwies out”. It may sound silly, but he’s right, sometimes all you have to do is act as a sounding board for your partner.
As men, we are dull and utilitarian. If you girls come to us with a problem, we will assume that you are in search of a solution and we will try to fix it for you. When you tell us to “stop interrupting”, we become indignant and an argument usually ensues. What we don’t understand is why you came to us with a problem if you did not require our help to find a solution. It’s a ridiculous waste of time, right?
Wrong.
Look at your partner’s friends, her closest friends. Have those people EVER actually solved a single problem for her? Personally, I doubt it.
However, your partner will almost certainly say that their best friends have “stuck by them” or “seen them through so many hard times”. As men, we understand this as referencing various acts of problem solving, but it isn’t. They were simply there to offer moral and emotional support and to let their friend, your partner, “get the owwies out”.
Nothing ever gets solved in these situations, there are always more problems on the horizon and oftentimes everybody just forgets about it once they’ve had a good old cry and listened to some terrible music together.
Maybe that’s why we blokes hate those girly movies so much?
Now, my man Danny Trejo? He gets sh!t done.
...But Machete is hardly a relationship role model, now is he?
Sometimes, its good to just open your ears, nod your head and SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
04. Do Things ‘Just Because’.
The ‘just because’ present is big.
It is bigger than birthday presents, bigger than Valentine’s treats and bigger than Christmas gifts.
Why? Because it’s unexpected, that’s why.
It shows that you are thinking of them when you weren’t legally required to be doing so.
Your partner expects a gift for his/her birthday, they expect a gift for Christmas, but they don’t expect a gift for a Tuesday.
A little something you bought on your way home from work, i.e. a bunch of flowers, a CD or a cuddly toy (if he/she is into those) isn’t going to cost the earth, but it’ll really brighten up your lover’s day.
Of course, you don’t want to overdo it, like Ross in Friends when he peppered Rachel’s office with balloons, cards, lovebugs and a barbershop quartet, because that’s just scary and stalkeresque. Plus, it’ll ruin the effect of the ‘just because’ present (and you’ll run out of money). However, a little token of your affection can go a long way.
A surprise meal (obviously, you’ll have to attempt Step 9 first), complete with candles, soft music and dim lighting, will do wonders for any relationship, as will a surprise restaurant trip or (if you can afford it) a weekend away.
It doesn’t take a lot of money to be thoughtful and to do things ‘just because’, but it will certainly bring a smile to your partner’s face.
03. Get to Know Your Partner’s Friends.
Unless your lover is a blind hobo who lives in a cave, your partner probably has a group of friends. If you’re lucky, these friends will range from the genuinely tolerable, to the flat-out infuriating. If you’re unlucky...Hooboy, that’s an article in and of itself.
FYI, I’m basing this one specifically on male/female relationships, largely because I’m working from my own experiences, sorry fellas.
Let’s take a look at your partner’s friends, one by one, shall we?
First, there’s The Bossy One (TBO), the one who dominates your loved-one’s life in a way that you would never dream of doing. TBO is arrogant, rude, conceited and very, very LOUD. Yes, she’s awful.
Remember though, that they all slag her off behind her back and none of them really like her, they’re just waiting for her to fail. I’m sorry, but women, when they get together at least, can be nasty, nasty creatures. They’re a bit like crabs in a bucket. I spent four years being the only male in an all-female workplace and, ladies, I know the truth – you girls are far nastier to each other than us guys are.
We dudes just beat each other up occasionally; women really go for the jugular.
Next, there’s The Sexy One (TSO), this is the one that you secretly fancy and the one you wouldn’t mind going after if you were single. It is definitely best not to tell your girlfriend that you think her friend is sexy. It usually starts out as an innocent joke and ends, not with the frantic whitehot sexual ecstasy of a sweat-soaked menage a trois, but with an unwinnable argument and her bringing it up again and again and again ad infi-F’N-nitum.
Sometimes in life it is best to keep your mouth firmly shut – this is one of those times.
Then of course, there’s The Best Friend (TBF), TBF is the one who’s “been through” everything with your partner (remember, this does not mean that she fixed the problems, just that she is a good listener). TBF can either be someone you genuinely like and get along well with (good), or else it’ll be someone who is a horrible f*ck up in her own life and tries to bring your girl down with her (bad). In either instance, there really isn’t much you can do about it – TBF will be there forever.
Don’t swim against the current, mate. You’ll just drown.
Sometimes, there’s also the Male Best Friend (MBF). Nothing ever happened there and you wonder if anything ever will. The chances are that it won’t and, if you force the issue, you’ll come off second best, I promise. On this one, leave well enough alone (remember Step 6).
As a sub-category of MBF, if you’re lucky, you’ll get the Gay Best Friend (GBF). Provided that he is actually gay (and not faking it in order to get closer to women – and, bizarre as it may seem, that GENUINELY DOES HAPPEN), the gay best friend can be a limitless source of hints, tips and information.
NOTE: The GBF is NOT the same as the MBF (the MBF is just as stupid and clueless about women as you are), the GBF is far smarter and more sophisticated.
Gay men are more observant, more thoughtful and far more able to read women than we are. Quite why Mother Nature planned it that way is beyond me, but, while you have access to such a powerful force for good in your relationship, you may as well use it.
I realize, of course, that this is a stereotype, not all gay men are caring, understanding and thoughtful. However, even the selfish, lazy and thoughtless ones have got us straight guys beat.
I guess they just wanted it more...
Finally, there’s the (shudder) Ex Boyfriend (XBF), these are usually either harmless, genuine friends (good) or else they are vipers waiting for their next turn to strike (bad), deciding which can be difficult. Just remember to ignore him and to trust her.
Yes, the XBF scenario can be bad. However, this situation will resolve itself in time. Either you’ll be out of the picture (in which case, he’ll try to get back in faster than you can say, “we were on a break!”) or else your relationship will last a while (in which case he’ll go after someone else once he gets bored).
The bad kind of XBF WANTS to make you jealous, because then your partner gets mad at you and then he can be there to pick up the pieces. So, just make your partner happy using these 10 steps. To this second type of XBF, seeing your partner happy and contented is like a vampire seeing a shiny new cross. He won’t like it. Now, he might not burst into flames and die in a screaming inferno of righteous fury (which, honestly, is something of a shame), but he will take the hint and look elsewhere for his next conquest.
Collectively, these people might be so annoying, that you’ll be praying for Danny Trejo to show up and kill them all, but, like your girlfriend’s parents, they are along for the ride, whether you like it or not. And, just like your girlfriend’s parents, they will probably never actually like you. All you can do is win her over and treat her right (and that’s all that counts really, isn’t it?)
Take the time to get to know the whole crazy gang, at least a little. It is a sign of commitment and she will appreciate it.
Remember, she also has to take the time to get to know your friends, (look at them, the pothead, the super-nerd and the perv) so it’s no picnic for her either.
02. Give Your Loved One Some Space Every Once in a While.
Generally, we men either give our loved ones far too much space (e.g. they are practically begging for our attention all the time), or we don’t give them nearly enough (e.g. we’re calling all the time, we’re constantly badgering them for affection etc etc etc).
We just can’t seem to get the balance right.
On a bad day, it seems like they don’t get enough attention when we’re busy gaming or reading this week’s comic selection, but then we are crowding them with too much attention when their favourite TV show is on or they’re anxiously checking their Facebook for the 15th time this minute (seriously, what is so fascinating on there?).
The point is that your partner, be they male or female, can (and does) need personal space. If you’re a sweet natured and bookish guy, ever wondered why your exes all went out with rugged, emotionless psycho rugby players right after you? Ditto, if you’re a tough, well-built and noncommittal sort of dude, have you ever wondered why your ex is shacked up with a pitiful pencil-necked geek these days?
It’s a space thing, nothing more.
If you were too clingy, your ex now wants an emotional cripple, a war veteran or a creepy taxidermist, perhaps. The closer they can get to an emotionless date rapist or serial killer, the better. However, if you were too distant, they’ll be on the look out for a poet, a sensitive singer-songwriter, or some other type of tw@ with girly hair and a lot of ‘personal issues’.
Sometimes, your partner just needs to be left alone. He/she isn’t mad at you (although it might seem that way at first), they just need a bit of ‘me time’ (or maybe ‘she time’ or even ‘he time’ – whatever, delete as applicable).
The trick to this is simply to give it to them. Go out with your own pervy, nerdy, pothead friends, make that call home you’ve been putting off, or just shut up and get on with the dinner.
Buzzing around your partner like an annoying bee (in your eyes, you’re a sweet little lovebug, but, in your lover’s eyes, you’re an annoying, and oddly hairy, stinging insect) simply will not help. They will snap, you’ll snap back and the whole thing just gets ugly.
Best tactic? Just go off on your own (no sulking, fellas) and have some ‘you time’ (NOTE: this was not intended as a euphemism for masturbation...It just kinda reads that way).
1. Love Your Partner For Who They Are, Not For Who You Want Them To Be.
It sounds obvious enough, but, to many of us, it really isn’t.
Here’s the cold, horrible truth. For some of you reading this, the following sentence will hit you pretty hard (and I’m sorry in advance for it), but...
If you want to change your partner, then you don’t really want to be with them.
The truth is, that unless you’re dating a heroin addict or a problem drinker, you shouldn’t want your partner to change. Trying to change someone is your heart’s way of telling you that you need to be with someone else.
I don’t mean wanting to help your loved one become more assertive, or trying to get them into the TV shows you like, I mean trying to make a dull person exciting, or a stupid person smarter. Trying to change them on a fundamental level is wrong.
It simply will not work, either. You’ll be wasting your time (and hurting your partner in the process). People are who they are. For the most part, that doesn't change.
It's like that old parable about the fox and the scorpion, you know that one?
Well, for those who don’t, essentially, the scorpion wants to get to the other side of the river, but he can’t swim. So he asks the fox for a ride.
The fox (who can swim), agrees to help, but is dismayed when the scorpion stings him halfway through the trip.
“You idiot!” the fox yelps with his dying breath “Now we’ll both die! Why did you do that?”
“Sorry” says the scorpion, “its just what I do”.
The point is that you should love your partner for the person that they are and not the person you might want them to be. Accept their flaws with love and kindness and they will be far more likely to reciprocate (remember, you’re likely not as great a catch as you may think you are).
I can be, to borrow a line from Alanis Morrisette, “an asshole of the grandest kind”. I can be stubborn, obstinate, self-absorbed and, at times, downright cold-blooded - and yet I am loved. I can only guess that my girl loves me for who I am. The same way that I love her.
Your partner may bewilder you at times, they may very well infuriate you, but the truth is that if you really love them, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Relationships, above all, are supposed to be fun. Don’t expect things that your partner can’t deliver, otherwise you’ll be constantly disappointed when they don’t deliver them. Basically, don’t try an order a Chinese meal from a pizza parlour and you won’t be disappointed with what arrives at your door.
Well, that’s it. Like I said, its just common sense really.
Now, I’m quite sure I’ll get more than a little bit of flack from the ‘comments’ section below. Go for it, but just remember to be kind.
For everyone else:
What works for you?
What have I missed out?
Got any funny ex-partner stories?
Did you try any of the suggestions described in this piece? If so, what happened?
I want to know what YOU think.
- CQ