NOTE: Working with editors is a subtle and complicated process. At best, it can be very rewarding (and will make you a much better writer) and at worst, it can be nothing short of a nightmare. In my career so far, I've experienced both.
The editor I most commonly work with on a day-to-day basis is a nice guy and good at his job. He has helped me out no end (especially with the technological side of things) and I am grateful for all he has done for me. We have a friendly working relationship and I, for one, am happy about that.
However, on this particular occasion, it seemed that we were talking at cross purposes. He thought I was going in one direction, article-wise, when I was actually going in another. Call it a 'communications breakdown', if you like...
I pitched him an article idea and he readily accepted it, but, after reading the final submission (completed on a furious Friday evening as I struggled to get a rare weekend off), he had soured on the piece and declined to publish it. This meant that I had put in many hours of work that I would not be receiving payment for. Which is never a good thing.
For his part, it was purely a business decision (and I understood that). It would be wrong of me to expect him to upload an article to his website that he was uncomfortable with, just as it would be wrong for me to submit a piece that wasn't top quality and indicative of my best work. He even wrote to me and explained his reasoning.
I appreciated the gesture and there were (and are) no hard feelings.
Freelance writing is a bit like the Wild West, there really aren't that many rules. You don't have any guarantees. I often work without a contract (not by choice, simply due to the nature of the work I do) and, through necessity, I live my professional life without a safety net. Writers often have to face a lot of shit that the rest of the country could take their employers to court for. At different parts of my career, I've had my word counts drift up as my pay steadily drifts down, I've worked ludicrously long hours for free, I've been promised (LARGE) payments that never came and I've been stiffed by more than one dodgy agency. Its all part of the job and you have to learn to take it all in your stride. With that lot (and much, much more) in my rear view mirror, this article's rejection doesn't actually seem that bad...
This website started out as a place where I could put some of my favourite writing assignments/projects that, for one reason or another, never saw print. This WWE article is the latest addition to that collection. It was annoying, but hey, what can you do?
Yee Fuckin' Haw.
- CQ
Some theoretical physicists contend that every choice we make in life, no matter how minute, leads inexorably to the creation of parallel universes. In these ‘alternate realities’, different actions are explored (and their outcomes experienced) by alternate versions of ourselves and everyone else around us...
Case in point, early last month, it was announced that WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan was being forced to vacate his Championship due to his not being cleared to wrestle after undergoing neck surgery in May.
He would, doctors insisted, require yet more intensive and complicated surgery before he could compete again and even then, they could not give him a projected date to return to the ring.
It was a crushing blow for Bryan’s loyal fans that have been through so much already, but it was far worse for Bryan himself, who now has to traverse yet another obstacle on his path to greatness (for an overview of Bryan’s career - provided by yours truly, no less - please click HERE).
With this in mind, something struck me as I viewed the challengers for Bryan’s vacant title at last month’s Money in the Bank Pay Per View. What would happen if each man had won the match and thus, the title?
What directions would WWE creative have seen fit to take?
What would the company be like with Bray Wyatt, for example, as its kingpin?
Or Cesaro?
Or even Sheamus (again)?
Instead, no new possibilities were explored this time around. John Cena lifted the Championship (for what seems like the thousandth time) and that was that.
...But is that really, to borrow from Voltaire’s Pangloss, “the best of all possible worlds?”
Maybe it is time to find out...
So, I thought I’d examine a few alternate worlds that probably do exist somewhere, unseen by the eyes of our reality, where WWE (or the wrestling industry in general) took a very different turn...
Some are silly, some are genuine possibilities, but all (I think) are interesting to discuss.
So, What If...
10. WWF Had Re-Launched WCW in 2002?
One year after buying out his hated rivals World Championship Wrestling (WCW), Vince McMahon decided to re-launch the company, but this time as a ‘brand extension’ of the WWE.
Whilst having access to perhaps the best roster ever assembled appealed to Vinny Mac, he also liked the idea of owning his greatest enemy. He therefore decided to use some of the money/investors he had set aside a couple of years earlier (to launch a football league, of all things) and ploughed it into an extensive renovation of the WCW.
Striking a TV deal was relatively easy, largely because WWE programming was a hot commodity at the time. So, the good ship WCW was re-launched, first as a couple of ‘One Night Stand’ Pay Per View Events and then finally, as a reworked version of Nitro that aired, once again, on Monday nights.
Chris Jericho became the revived company’s first World Champion in 2002, with Joey Styles and Tazz calling the match from ringside. Y2J then feuded with Diamond Dallas Page, Ric Flair, Dean Malenko, Scott Hall and others over the next few years...
WCW never quite beat WWF in the ratings the second time around, but it is slowly getting there at the time of writing, because of a more adult-orientated product that contrasts with WWE’s PG-era show. The market here, then, is covered from all angles.
Oh, A.J Styles is the current WCW Champion, in his third reign.
9. The Shockmaster Was A Success?
Before we go any further, it should be stated that, for many cosmologists, parallel worlds must be infinite in order to account for any/all possibilities, no matter how remote.
This means that, hypothetically at least, there is probably a world out there where you are the Prime Minister and still another where you are in prison for murder, as well as one where you won the lottery and another where you never existed at all...
All of these bizarre possibilities, however, falter in comparison to this particular wacky world of impossible, absurdist nonsense. For you see, gentle reader, in this world, The Shockmaster gimmick was an unparalleled success.
For those that don’t know, ‘The Shockmaster incident’ occurred at a WCW show in 1993, during a backstage segment.
In the spot, Sting, Dustin Rhodes (known as Goldust in WWF/E) and ‘British Bulldog’ Davey Boy Smith were drumming up publicity for the company’s upcoming Fall Brawl Pay Per View, where they would be taking on the villainous team of Sid Vicious (‘Sycho Sid’ in WWF), Vader and Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray).
The heel team demanded to know who their opponent’s mystery cohort would be, at which point, Sting announced that their partner was going to ‘shock’ the world, because he was none other than...
...THE SHOCKMASTER!!!
At that moment, a wall nearby exploded and out fell (literally: fell) Fred Ottman, (alias ‘Tugboat’ or ‘Typhoon’ from the WWF).
This new star, who may or may not have been intended to be super-powered, turned out to be a chubby wrestler clad in a pair of ill-fitting jeans, a furry waistcoat and, bizarrely, a stormtrooper helmet from Star Wars that had been covered in glitter (which then immediately fell from his head).
Ottman crawled around on the floor looking for his ‘disco-trooper’ helmet, whilst the other wrestlers either sold this debut like it was a Muhammed Ali comeback (Sid) or else broke character and laughed their collective arses off (everyone else in attendance).
Amazingly, WCW then allowed this dodgy ‘Shockmaster’ character to deliver a (largely nonsensical) promo, in a gravely, cookie-monster-on-Viagra voice that was actually provided by Ole Anderson.
Needless to say, the character has gone down in wrestling history as one of the worst gimmicks ever devised.
If you haven’t ever watched this incredible episode, go and see it on Youtube. It is utterly, utterly hilarious.
In our real world, the unfortunate incident led to WCW booking embarking on a ham-fisted attempt at ‘damage control’, as they tried to get Shockmaster over as a clumsy comedy character. When that failed, they re-packaged Ottman as his own nephew, ‘The Super Shockmaster’, who wore a Mexican style luchadore mask with a blue costume and yellow suspenders.
...Because WCW was a stupid, stupid company, that’s why.
However, in this offbeat parallel world, presumably one where Bizarro comics have been popular since the 1930’s and the 3rd and 4th Alien movies were actually good; The Shockmaster’s bungled entrance actually endeared him to the crowd.
Ottman, who was always a good hand and was also an above average wrestler, worked the gimmick to his advantage and soon, WCW had a geeky, cheeky comedy character of their very own.
ShockmasterMania was runnin’ wild, brother!
They had him blowing up walls and falling flat on his arse in arenas throughout the country, even the world. In this world, (where nobody gets the jokes in the ‘I didn’t do it’ episode of The Simpsons), The Shockmaster became a massive celebrity.
The mainstream media attention garnered by this strange character was such that, in 1995, he defeated The Black Scorpion (together with all his Messengers – with special thanks to WrestleCrap.com for that one) in an accidental WCW Championship victory. He then proceeded to feud with Glacier throughout 1996.
Shockmaster was eventually lured to WWF, where he won the WWF Championship from Isaac Yankem, DDS and feuded with Bastion Booger and The Executioner before being ‘retired’ by Funaki in a hotly anticipated ‘Kennel From Hell’ contest. He is still big in Japan.
8. Triple H & Stephanie Never Tied The Knot?
These days, the Freudian nightmare that is the on-screen coupling of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon is often hastily worsened by the knowledge that the pair are, in fact, married in real life.
...But what if they weren’t?
Many have accused Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley AKA the real-life Paul Levesque), of instigating a ‘marriage of convenience’ in order to boost his stock with the company that he now stands poised to effectively inherit.
Whilst I don’t personally think that this is the case (the pair actually seem to have quite a loving relationship), it is (possibly) true that Trips dropped his then-girlfriend Chyna like a hot potato in order to be with Steph.
A few years later, Poor old Chyna was unfortunately sucked into a sleazy, sordid world of hardcore drug abuse and bad porno films, whilst Hunter went on to enjoy close to a hundred thousand (and counting) title reigns and today maintains an on-screen role as the stuffed-shirt heir to Mr. McMahon. These days, he only wrestles occasionally (and only if he gets to cosplay as Conan for his ring entrance).
In another world, Stephanie refused the advances of HHH and claimed that he was too much like her father. Trips and Chyna stayed together in this reality and he (instead of Sean ‘X-Pac’ Waltman) ended up as her co-star in the famed 1 Night in China amateur sex movie that started her off on the road to ruin.
Instead of becoming a world famous WWE icon, Trips became a dodgy, low-grade porn star instead...
Chyna eventually moved on with her life, but Hunter remained in the porno biz, working on such wrestling-themed epics as ‘Ready To Bum Y’all’ ‘Beyond The Tw@’ and ‘Suburban Cumhardo’.
For her part, Stephanie McMahon married Kurt Angle in 2005 and he got all her WWE shares in the divorce.
7. Ricky Steamboat Was The Biggest WWF Star Of The 1990’s?
In 1987, Ricky Steamboat, who was WWF’s Intercontinental Champion, (following an absolutely beautiful bout with ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage at WrestleMania III), requested some time off to be with his pregnant wife and be present at the birth of his son.
In our reality, Vince McMahon responded by having Steamboat drop the IC title, before furiously burying ‘The Dragon’ on TV following his return, which ultimately led to his exit from the company.
However, in an alternate universe, Vince was never so callous and the pair worked out an angle where Steamboat would drop the belt back to Savage and then come back a couple of months’ later and be bigger than ever before.
By the time Steamboat returned at the Survivor Series Pay Per View, audiences were pumped and primed for the return of ‘The Dragon’.
WWF pushed Steamboat towards the final of WrestleMania IV’s vacant title tournament, with Steamboat squaring off against The ‘Macho Man’ in a rematch of their classic battle from 1 year earlier, this time with the WWF Championship at stake.
The Dragon went over (but they shook hands at the end) and became the new WWF World Heavyweight Champion.
In this version of events, Hulk Hogan remained at ringside, largely to chase off interference from various heels (including Ted DiBiase) but he also celebrated with both competitors.
From there, Ricky enjoyed a successful run as the champ. He ultimately lost to Savage at the 1989 Royal Rumble Pay Per View and Savage went on to face Hogan at WrestleMania V, just as he did in our reality.
However, WrestleMania VI now featured the babyface vs. babyface clash of Steamboat vs. Hogan for the title (instead of Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior), with Steamboat going over yet again.
The inclusion of Ricky Steamboat into the WWF World Championship picture shored up the company’s future in a way that our Hogan-dominated WWF could not.
By the time 1993 rolled around, Hogan was gone, but the WWF Championship scene was populated by Steamboat, DiBiase, Bret Hart, Randy Savage, Roddy Piper and others still. The company never suffered its mid-90’s slump and wrestling went in a different direction altogether.
Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat finally retired in 1998, losing a retirement match to Shawn Michaels (or maybe ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin).
6. Jim Cornette Actually Killed Vince Russo?
Two of the most influential backstage personalities in WWE history, Jim Cornette and Vince Russo were the polar opposites of one another. They could not have been more different.
Vince Russo was born in New York, was University educated and worked at the WWF magazine before beginning as a WWF writer in 1996. Jim Cornette, on the other hand, was born in Kentucky and was a relatively successful wrestling manager and promoter before joining the WWF’s booking committee.
Where Cornette looked to classic wrestling feuds and storylines for inspiration, Russo looked to Jerry Springer, where Cornette valued in-ring prowess and an old school ‘respect the business’ ethic, Russo favoured (for the most part) T&A, sensationalism and smut.
Basically, the pair were never going to get along...
Their disputes got so bad, that Cornette has stated in interviews that, at times, he genuinely wanted to kill his colleague Vince Russo (and that he even had dreams about it).
So one day, he did...
A backstage altercation that got out of hand in 1998 led to Cornette choking Russo, as various wrestlers attempted to pull him away. Paramedics tried to revive him, but it was too late.
A (unrepentant) Cornette then went to prison for life, but still found a way to run his mouth off to various wrestling dirtsheets and later, Youtube shoot interviews.
Of course, ECW hefe Paul Heyman found a way to profit from this and aired various Jim ‘The Killer’ Cornette angles and promos that kept ECW afloat for a few more years. Elsewhere, both WWF and WCW hosted memorial shows that included ‘Used Panties On a Pole’ matches in their main events, in honour of the ‘other Vince’ in pro wrestling.
Back in the real world, Cornette was (until relatively recently) working for Ring of Honour (ROH) and is now touring a spoken word show whilst Russo is, at present, in the process of ruining TNA.
Cornette has stated that the pair have buried the hatchet, but that doesn’t stop him slagging Russo off at every available opportunity. At the time of writing, he has no plans (that I’m aware of) to actually murder Vince Russo.
5. Seth Rollins Won The WWE Championship At Money In The Bank 2014?
In this reality, WWE creative decided that Cena as the uncomplicated fruity-pebbles hawking, sick kid visiting, babyface Champion had been done to death. Instead, they decided that it was time for a bit of a risk. After all, putting an emphasis on new stars worked the last time the WWE was in creative turmoil and financial dire straits, didn’t it?
Seth Rollins, hotter than ever following his betrayal of The Shield, was booked into the ‘title shot’ ladder match instead of the main event, but this time, only as a swerve. He triumphed over the other five superstars booked in his match and took the magic briefcase for himself.
Then, we cut to the Main Event, the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. After a hard fought battle, John Cena held the title belts aloft in celebration; his 15th World Championship run was about to begin.
...Suddenly, Rollins’ entrance music hit. The villainous Seth slowly wandered down to the ring, casually swinging his briefcase as he did so.
He was rested up after his match, but Cena was nursing several wounds and was suffering from acute exhaustion after a damn-near 30 minute run against the WWE’s finest.
Before the first bell could be rung, Rollins blindsided Cena with a foreign object. Despite a valiant effort from Cena, this one was over before it even began. Rollins had been watching the match from the back and exploited every weak spot on the champ’s body with almost surgical precision.
The three count was a mere formality and Seth Rollins left Boston, Massachusetts as the WWE Champion.
He now has Cena in hot pursuit, taken down a full peg after the beating he received at Rollins’ hands. Cena will now team up with Rollins’ ex-stable mates Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose in his quest to dethrone the villainous Rollins.
4. WCW Won The Ratings War?
The ‘Monday Night Wars’ were fought throughout the latter half of 1990’s between the flagship shows of the WWF (RAW) and WCW (Nitro). As the history of our universe tells us, the war finally ended in 2001, when WCW gave up the ghost and was absorbed into the WWF.
However, in another world, WCW emerged triumphant and put the WWF out of business instead.
With the deep pockets of Ted Turner behind it, the WCW organisation went from strength to strength. The sacking of both Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo opened the door for Paul Heyman to sneak into the head booker slot and begin to revamp the WCW product.
Heyman pushed Eddie Guerrero (hired back after his WWF firing) Ultimo Dragon and Rey Mysterio into top slots and they, in turn, dazzled American audiences with remarkably inventive main events.
Under Heyman, more than a few ex-ECW talents were signed up to WCW contracts and stars like Tommy Dreamer, Shane Douglas, The Sandman, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Tazz and others became big name WCW stars.
The show adopted a slightly edgier content (although it could not plunder the salacious depths that WWF could for various corporate reasons) and this made it appear less childish and second rate when compared to WWF’s product.
With a sustained attack on WWF’s show, WCW put itself out there as a better brand and eventually wooed The Rock, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and Triple H to its roster.
WWF was unable to create new stars fast enough and, despite a superb WrestleMania X8 Main Event between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker, the battle was over...
Finally, the company gave up the ghost in 2005 and WCW became the last word in pro wrestling, buying the rights to WrestleMania in the process and re-packaging Glen Jacobs (AKA Kane) as the psychotic ‘Son of Shockmaster’.
3. Vader Had Been Crowned WWF Champion in 1996?
In our reality, in 1996, WWF Champ Shawn Michaels dropped the big belt to Sycho Sid at Survivor Series, in a match that, storyline wise, appears to have been an affectionate homage to the first act of Rocky III (but without Hulk Hogan, obviously).
Come the ’97 Royal Rumble, it was time for Michaels to reclaim the gold.
In a very good match, Michaels overcame the titanic Sid, repeating the same ‘camera trick’ (i.e. hitting the other guy with a large TV camera) that Sid had used on him to win the belt a few months’ earlier. There, in HBK’s home state of Texas, Michaels celebrated with legions of adoring fans, the epitome of the resolute and resourceful babyface David triumphing over the heelish Goliath.
However, Sid wasn’t actually meant to be the WWF Champion at all. Had things gone according to the original plan, it would have been Champion Vader that would have been vanquished at ‘97’s Royal Rumble by the heroic Heartbreak Kid, not Sid.
However, Vader was a pretty tough customer and Michaels was at the height of his ‘Prima Donna’ phase. According to Jim Cornette, HBK flat-out refused to work with Vader, or drop the belt to him, because Vader’s style was too painful and tough to endure.
To this day, Vader remains one of the (many) deserving competitors that never got a chance at being WWE Champion, which is a shame. He’d headlined (and been Champion) all over the world, but never quite got to the top of the WWF, thanks to Michaels.
But there has to be a world where he managed it, right?
In this world, Vader caught wind of Michaels’ objection to working with him and told The Undertaker, who decided to ‘persuade’ HBK to go through with the match.
His plan worked and Vader became the WWF Champion at the 1996 Survivor Series, losing the belt back to Michaels at Royal Rumble. He then defeated Bret Hart for the title, after Michaels left the company in a sulk a short while later.
Vader was a far better champion than Sid would have been anyway and his powerhouse style complimented his feuds with Hart, Austin and Undertaker very well. He stayed in the company for quite a while, actually.
He also reignited his classic rivalry with Mick Foley’s ‘Cactus Jack’ persona, as the two feuded for the WWF belt throughout 1999-2000.
After retiring in 2005, he returned to the WWE in 2010 as the ‘Enforcer’ of RAW.
2. ‘Stone Cold’ Became ‘Ice Dagger’ Instead?
We all know that ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin was one of the most awesome and revolutionary stars in the history of the wrestling business. He had an incredible run that saw him battle Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts and Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart, before winning the WWF Championship from Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV and becoming a megastar in the process.
However, in Mick Foley’s first autobiography, Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks (an essential read for any wrestling fan), he recounts that when Steve Austin approached WWF creative requesting a more ‘cold blooded’ character to portray, the company got carried away with the cold temperature instead of the cold attitude and suggested a number of summarily crappy names based on this.
According to Foley, among the suggested character names were ‘Chilly McFreeze’ and ‘Ice Dagger’. Not cool, WWF, not cool.
Of course, not long after this, Austin’s wife made him a hot drink and then admonished him that, if he didn’t drink it soon, it would get ‘stone cold’ - and thus a legend was born (true story).
...But what if Austin was thirsty and had drunk it straight away?
Here, we come to a world where Austin’s rise to prominence never took place. ‘Ice Dagger’ was just one more character to play, like ‘The Ringmaster’, or ‘Stunning’ Steve Austin and he embarked on a low-level run as an ‘enhancement talent’, playing ‘jobber to the stars’.
Of course, Austin’s in-ring ability and innate charisma helped him shed the ‘Ice Dagger’ persona in favour of the beer swilling country and Western singer Merle ‘Crash’ Williams, but by that time, WWF had lost the ratings war and was being asset-stripped by WCW.
Austin went over to ECW, where he became a top-level star as ‘Serious Steve Williams’ and then signed on for one last run with WCW, who dressed him up as a psychotic clown (and then as ‘Shockmaster 2000’).
He opened a wrestling school in 2003, but no bugger showed up.
1. The Montreal Screwjob Never Took Place?
Probably the most controversial event in modern wrestling history, the aptly named ‘Montreal Screwjob’ is still being hotly debated by fans and wrestlers to this day. Due to a contractual dispute (amongst other things) Vince McMahon, together with co-conspirators Shawn Michaels and referee Earl Hebner, screwed then-WWF Champion Bret Hart out of both his title and his legacy at the 1997 Survivor Series Pay Per View.
I’m not going to go into all the ‘ins and outs’ of the Screwjob, because, frankly, I’ll be here all day if I do, but suffice it to say that it was a pretty shameful act, regardless of what the justification for it might have been.
At the end of a decent, but largely underwhelming, main event (which was to be Hart’s last for the company), Shawn Michaels locked ‘The Hitman’ into his own finisher, the Sharpshooter. Just as Bret was about to escape the hold, referee Earl Hebner called for the bell and the belt was mysteriously awarded to Michaels.
In retaliation, Hart formed a one-man riot and smashed the sh!t out of the arena, before heading backstage and punching McMahon’s lights out.
He then went over to WCW, where they promptly did nothing with him and his illustrious career finally ended because Bill Goldberg wasn’t a very good wrestler.
However, in this parallel world, the so-called ‘Screwjob’ never took place. Here, Hart left the WWF on good terms (following the planned DQ finish) and the company booked a tournament for the vacant WWF title (which Michaels ultimately won).
The ‘Attitude’ Era, however, never quite kicked off without the evil Mr. McMahon and his resultant feud with Steve Austin and, as a result, WCW and WWF remain neck and neck to this day.
WCW, for its part, made a big deal about Hart being the ‘undefeated’ WWF Champion and his presence drew well for the company.
However, in 2001, WWF brought Bret Hart back into the fold and he became a significant part of the company’s success, feuding with The Rock, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and The Undertaker and helping the company reach even greater heights. He ultimately retired against The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXII.
So that’s it, our tour of the professional wrestling multiverse is at an end. Did we learn anything at all?
Personally, I doubt it.
- CQ
The editor I most commonly work with on a day-to-day basis is a nice guy and good at his job. He has helped me out no end (especially with the technological side of things) and I am grateful for all he has done for me. We have a friendly working relationship and I, for one, am happy about that.
However, on this particular occasion, it seemed that we were talking at cross purposes. He thought I was going in one direction, article-wise, when I was actually going in another. Call it a 'communications breakdown', if you like...
I pitched him an article idea and he readily accepted it, but, after reading the final submission (completed on a furious Friday evening as I struggled to get a rare weekend off), he had soured on the piece and declined to publish it. This meant that I had put in many hours of work that I would not be receiving payment for. Which is never a good thing.
For his part, it was purely a business decision (and I understood that). It would be wrong of me to expect him to upload an article to his website that he was uncomfortable with, just as it would be wrong for me to submit a piece that wasn't top quality and indicative of my best work. He even wrote to me and explained his reasoning.
I appreciated the gesture and there were (and are) no hard feelings.
Freelance writing is a bit like the Wild West, there really aren't that many rules. You don't have any guarantees. I often work without a contract (not by choice, simply due to the nature of the work I do) and, through necessity, I live my professional life without a safety net. Writers often have to face a lot of shit that the rest of the country could take their employers to court for. At different parts of my career, I've had my word counts drift up as my pay steadily drifts down, I've worked ludicrously long hours for free, I've been promised (LARGE) payments that never came and I've been stiffed by more than one dodgy agency. Its all part of the job and you have to learn to take it all in your stride. With that lot (and much, much more) in my rear view mirror, this article's rejection doesn't actually seem that bad...
This website started out as a place where I could put some of my favourite writing assignments/projects that, for one reason or another, never saw print. This WWE article is the latest addition to that collection. It was annoying, but hey, what can you do?
Yee Fuckin' Haw.
- CQ
Some theoretical physicists contend that every choice we make in life, no matter how minute, leads inexorably to the creation of parallel universes. In these ‘alternate realities’, different actions are explored (and their outcomes experienced) by alternate versions of ourselves and everyone else around us...
Case in point, early last month, it was announced that WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan was being forced to vacate his Championship due to his not being cleared to wrestle after undergoing neck surgery in May.
He would, doctors insisted, require yet more intensive and complicated surgery before he could compete again and even then, they could not give him a projected date to return to the ring.
It was a crushing blow for Bryan’s loyal fans that have been through so much already, but it was far worse for Bryan himself, who now has to traverse yet another obstacle on his path to greatness (for an overview of Bryan’s career - provided by yours truly, no less - please click HERE).
With this in mind, something struck me as I viewed the challengers for Bryan’s vacant title at last month’s Money in the Bank Pay Per View. What would happen if each man had won the match and thus, the title?
What directions would WWE creative have seen fit to take?
What would the company be like with Bray Wyatt, for example, as its kingpin?
Or Cesaro?
Or even Sheamus (again)?
Instead, no new possibilities were explored this time around. John Cena lifted the Championship (for what seems like the thousandth time) and that was that.
...But is that really, to borrow from Voltaire’s Pangloss, “the best of all possible worlds?”
Maybe it is time to find out...
So, I thought I’d examine a few alternate worlds that probably do exist somewhere, unseen by the eyes of our reality, where WWE (or the wrestling industry in general) took a very different turn...
Some are silly, some are genuine possibilities, but all (I think) are interesting to discuss.
So, What If...
10. WWF Had Re-Launched WCW in 2002?
One year after buying out his hated rivals World Championship Wrestling (WCW), Vince McMahon decided to re-launch the company, but this time as a ‘brand extension’ of the WWE.
Whilst having access to perhaps the best roster ever assembled appealed to Vinny Mac, he also liked the idea of owning his greatest enemy. He therefore decided to use some of the money/investors he had set aside a couple of years earlier (to launch a football league, of all things) and ploughed it into an extensive renovation of the WCW.
Striking a TV deal was relatively easy, largely because WWE programming was a hot commodity at the time. So, the good ship WCW was re-launched, first as a couple of ‘One Night Stand’ Pay Per View Events and then finally, as a reworked version of Nitro that aired, once again, on Monday nights.
Chris Jericho became the revived company’s first World Champion in 2002, with Joey Styles and Tazz calling the match from ringside. Y2J then feuded with Diamond Dallas Page, Ric Flair, Dean Malenko, Scott Hall and others over the next few years...
WCW never quite beat WWF in the ratings the second time around, but it is slowly getting there at the time of writing, because of a more adult-orientated product that contrasts with WWE’s PG-era show. The market here, then, is covered from all angles.
Oh, A.J Styles is the current WCW Champion, in his third reign.
9. The Shockmaster Was A Success?
Before we go any further, it should be stated that, for many cosmologists, parallel worlds must be infinite in order to account for any/all possibilities, no matter how remote.
This means that, hypothetically at least, there is probably a world out there where you are the Prime Minister and still another where you are in prison for murder, as well as one where you won the lottery and another where you never existed at all...
All of these bizarre possibilities, however, falter in comparison to this particular wacky world of impossible, absurdist nonsense. For you see, gentle reader, in this world, The Shockmaster gimmick was an unparalleled success.
For those that don’t know, ‘The Shockmaster incident’ occurred at a WCW show in 1993, during a backstage segment.
In the spot, Sting, Dustin Rhodes (known as Goldust in WWF/E) and ‘British Bulldog’ Davey Boy Smith were drumming up publicity for the company’s upcoming Fall Brawl Pay Per View, where they would be taking on the villainous team of Sid Vicious (‘Sycho Sid’ in WWF), Vader and Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray).
The heel team demanded to know who their opponent’s mystery cohort would be, at which point, Sting announced that their partner was going to ‘shock’ the world, because he was none other than...
...THE SHOCKMASTER!!!
At that moment, a wall nearby exploded and out fell (literally: fell) Fred Ottman, (alias ‘Tugboat’ or ‘Typhoon’ from the WWF).
This new star, who may or may not have been intended to be super-powered, turned out to be a chubby wrestler clad in a pair of ill-fitting jeans, a furry waistcoat and, bizarrely, a stormtrooper helmet from Star Wars that had been covered in glitter (which then immediately fell from his head).
Ottman crawled around on the floor looking for his ‘disco-trooper’ helmet, whilst the other wrestlers either sold this debut like it was a Muhammed Ali comeback (Sid) or else broke character and laughed their collective arses off (everyone else in attendance).
Amazingly, WCW then allowed this dodgy ‘Shockmaster’ character to deliver a (largely nonsensical) promo, in a gravely, cookie-monster-on-Viagra voice that was actually provided by Ole Anderson.
Needless to say, the character has gone down in wrestling history as one of the worst gimmicks ever devised.
If you haven’t ever watched this incredible episode, go and see it on Youtube. It is utterly, utterly hilarious.
In our real world, the unfortunate incident led to WCW booking embarking on a ham-fisted attempt at ‘damage control’, as they tried to get Shockmaster over as a clumsy comedy character. When that failed, they re-packaged Ottman as his own nephew, ‘The Super Shockmaster’, who wore a Mexican style luchadore mask with a blue costume and yellow suspenders.
...Because WCW was a stupid, stupid company, that’s why.
However, in this offbeat parallel world, presumably one where Bizarro comics have been popular since the 1930’s and the 3rd and 4th Alien movies were actually good; The Shockmaster’s bungled entrance actually endeared him to the crowd.
Ottman, who was always a good hand and was also an above average wrestler, worked the gimmick to his advantage and soon, WCW had a geeky, cheeky comedy character of their very own.
ShockmasterMania was runnin’ wild, brother!
They had him blowing up walls and falling flat on his arse in arenas throughout the country, even the world. In this world, (where nobody gets the jokes in the ‘I didn’t do it’ episode of The Simpsons), The Shockmaster became a massive celebrity.
The mainstream media attention garnered by this strange character was such that, in 1995, he defeated The Black Scorpion (together with all his Messengers – with special thanks to WrestleCrap.com for that one) in an accidental WCW Championship victory. He then proceeded to feud with Glacier throughout 1996.
Shockmaster was eventually lured to WWF, where he won the WWF Championship from Isaac Yankem, DDS and feuded with Bastion Booger and The Executioner before being ‘retired’ by Funaki in a hotly anticipated ‘Kennel From Hell’ contest. He is still big in Japan.
8. Triple H & Stephanie Never Tied The Knot?
These days, the Freudian nightmare that is the on-screen coupling of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon is often hastily worsened by the knowledge that the pair are, in fact, married in real life.
...But what if they weren’t?
Many have accused Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley AKA the real-life Paul Levesque), of instigating a ‘marriage of convenience’ in order to boost his stock with the company that he now stands poised to effectively inherit.
Whilst I don’t personally think that this is the case (the pair actually seem to have quite a loving relationship), it is (possibly) true that Trips dropped his then-girlfriend Chyna like a hot potato in order to be with Steph.
A few years later, Poor old Chyna was unfortunately sucked into a sleazy, sordid world of hardcore drug abuse and bad porno films, whilst Hunter went on to enjoy close to a hundred thousand (and counting) title reigns and today maintains an on-screen role as the stuffed-shirt heir to Mr. McMahon. These days, he only wrestles occasionally (and only if he gets to cosplay as Conan for his ring entrance).
In another world, Stephanie refused the advances of HHH and claimed that he was too much like her father. Trips and Chyna stayed together in this reality and he (instead of Sean ‘X-Pac’ Waltman) ended up as her co-star in the famed 1 Night in China amateur sex movie that started her off on the road to ruin.
Instead of becoming a world famous WWE icon, Trips became a dodgy, low-grade porn star instead...
Chyna eventually moved on with her life, but Hunter remained in the porno biz, working on such wrestling-themed epics as ‘Ready To Bum Y’all’ ‘Beyond The Tw@’ and ‘Suburban Cumhardo’.
For her part, Stephanie McMahon married Kurt Angle in 2005 and he got all her WWE shares in the divorce.
7. Ricky Steamboat Was The Biggest WWF Star Of The 1990’s?
In 1987, Ricky Steamboat, who was WWF’s Intercontinental Champion, (following an absolutely beautiful bout with ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage at WrestleMania III), requested some time off to be with his pregnant wife and be present at the birth of his son.
In our reality, Vince McMahon responded by having Steamboat drop the IC title, before furiously burying ‘The Dragon’ on TV following his return, which ultimately led to his exit from the company.
However, in an alternate universe, Vince was never so callous and the pair worked out an angle where Steamboat would drop the belt back to Savage and then come back a couple of months’ later and be bigger than ever before.
By the time Steamboat returned at the Survivor Series Pay Per View, audiences were pumped and primed for the return of ‘The Dragon’.
WWF pushed Steamboat towards the final of WrestleMania IV’s vacant title tournament, with Steamboat squaring off against The ‘Macho Man’ in a rematch of their classic battle from 1 year earlier, this time with the WWF Championship at stake.
The Dragon went over (but they shook hands at the end) and became the new WWF World Heavyweight Champion.
In this version of events, Hulk Hogan remained at ringside, largely to chase off interference from various heels (including Ted DiBiase) but he also celebrated with both competitors.
From there, Ricky enjoyed a successful run as the champ. He ultimately lost to Savage at the 1989 Royal Rumble Pay Per View and Savage went on to face Hogan at WrestleMania V, just as he did in our reality.
However, WrestleMania VI now featured the babyface vs. babyface clash of Steamboat vs. Hogan for the title (instead of Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior), with Steamboat going over yet again.
The inclusion of Ricky Steamboat into the WWF World Championship picture shored up the company’s future in a way that our Hogan-dominated WWF could not.
By the time 1993 rolled around, Hogan was gone, but the WWF Championship scene was populated by Steamboat, DiBiase, Bret Hart, Randy Savage, Roddy Piper and others still. The company never suffered its mid-90’s slump and wrestling went in a different direction altogether.
Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat finally retired in 1998, losing a retirement match to Shawn Michaels (or maybe ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin).
6. Jim Cornette Actually Killed Vince Russo?
Two of the most influential backstage personalities in WWE history, Jim Cornette and Vince Russo were the polar opposites of one another. They could not have been more different.
Vince Russo was born in New York, was University educated and worked at the WWF magazine before beginning as a WWF writer in 1996. Jim Cornette, on the other hand, was born in Kentucky and was a relatively successful wrestling manager and promoter before joining the WWF’s booking committee.
Where Cornette looked to classic wrestling feuds and storylines for inspiration, Russo looked to Jerry Springer, where Cornette valued in-ring prowess and an old school ‘respect the business’ ethic, Russo favoured (for the most part) T&A, sensationalism and smut.
Basically, the pair were never going to get along...
Their disputes got so bad, that Cornette has stated in interviews that, at times, he genuinely wanted to kill his colleague Vince Russo (and that he even had dreams about it).
So one day, he did...
A backstage altercation that got out of hand in 1998 led to Cornette choking Russo, as various wrestlers attempted to pull him away. Paramedics tried to revive him, but it was too late.
A (unrepentant) Cornette then went to prison for life, but still found a way to run his mouth off to various wrestling dirtsheets and later, Youtube shoot interviews.
Of course, ECW hefe Paul Heyman found a way to profit from this and aired various Jim ‘The Killer’ Cornette angles and promos that kept ECW afloat for a few more years. Elsewhere, both WWF and WCW hosted memorial shows that included ‘Used Panties On a Pole’ matches in their main events, in honour of the ‘other Vince’ in pro wrestling.
Back in the real world, Cornette was (until relatively recently) working for Ring of Honour (ROH) and is now touring a spoken word show whilst Russo is, at present, in the process of ruining TNA.
Cornette has stated that the pair have buried the hatchet, but that doesn’t stop him slagging Russo off at every available opportunity. At the time of writing, he has no plans (that I’m aware of) to actually murder Vince Russo.
5. Seth Rollins Won The WWE Championship At Money In The Bank 2014?
In this reality, WWE creative decided that Cena as the uncomplicated fruity-pebbles hawking, sick kid visiting, babyface Champion had been done to death. Instead, they decided that it was time for a bit of a risk. After all, putting an emphasis on new stars worked the last time the WWE was in creative turmoil and financial dire straits, didn’t it?
Seth Rollins, hotter than ever following his betrayal of The Shield, was booked into the ‘title shot’ ladder match instead of the main event, but this time, only as a swerve. He triumphed over the other five superstars booked in his match and took the magic briefcase for himself.
Then, we cut to the Main Event, the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. After a hard fought battle, John Cena held the title belts aloft in celebration; his 15th World Championship run was about to begin.
...Suddenly, Rollins’ entrance music hit. The villainous Seth slowly wandered down to the ring, casually swinging his briefcase as he did so.
He was rested up after his match, but Cena was nursing several wounds and was suffering from acute exhaustion after a damn-near 30 minute run against the WWE’s finest.
Before the first bell could be rung, Rollins blindsided Cena with a foreign object. Despite a valiant effort from Cena, this one was over before it even began. Rollins had been watching the match from the back and exploited every weak spot on the champ’s body with almost surgical precision.
The three count was a mere formality and Seth Rollins left Boston, Massachusetts as the WWE Champion.
He now has Cena in hot pursuit, taken down a full peg after the beating he received at Rollins’ hands. Cena will now team up with Rollins’ ex-stable mates Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose in his quest to dethrone the villainous Rollins.
4. WCW Won The Ratings War?
The ‘Monday Night Wars’ were fought throughout the latter half of 1990’s between the flagship shows of the WWF (RAW) and WCW (Nitro). As the history of our universe tells us, the war finally ended in 2001, when WCW gave up the ghost and was absorbed into the WWF.
However, in another world, WCW emerged triumphant and put the WWF out of business instead.
With the deep pockets of Ted Turner behind it, the WCW organisation went from strength to strength. The sacking of both Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo opened the door for Paul Heyman to sneak into the head booker slot and begin to revamp the WCW product.
Heyman pushed Eddie Guerrero (hired back after his WWF firing) Ultimo Dragon and Rey Mysterio into top slots and they, in turn, dazzled American audiences with remarkably inventive main events.
Under Heyman, more than a few ex-ECW talents were signed up to WCW contracts and stars like Tommy Dreamer, Shane Douglas, The Sandman, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Tazz and others became big name WCW stars.
The show adopted a slightly edgier content (although it could not plunder the salacious depths that WWF could for various corporate reasons) and this made it appear less childish and second rate when compared to WWF’s product.
With a sustained attack on WWF’s show, WCW put itself out there as a better brand and eventually wooed The Rock, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and Triple H to its roster.
WWF was unable to create new stars fast enough and, despite a superb WrestleMania X8 Main Event between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker, the battle was over...
Finally, the company gave up the ghost in 2005 and WCW became the last word in pro wrestling, buying the rights to WrestleMania in the process and re-packaging Glen Jacobs (AKA Kane) as the psychotic ‘Son of Shockmaster’.
3. Vader Had Been Crowned WWF Champion in 1996?
In our reality, in 1996, WWF Champ Shawn Michaels dropped the big belt to Sycho Sid at Survivor Series, in a match that, storyline wise, appears to have been an affectionate homage to the first act of Rocky III (but without Hulk Hogan, obviously).
Come the ’97 Royal Rumble, it was time for Michaels to reclaim the gold.
In a very good match, Michaels overcame the titanic Sid, repeating the same ‘camera trick’ (i.e. hitting the other guy with a large TV camera) that Sid had used on him to win the belt a few months’ earlier. There, in HBK’s home state of Texas, Michaels celebrated with legions of adoring fans, the epitome of the resolute and resourceful babyface David triumphing over the heelish Goliath.
However, Sid wasn’t actually meant to be the WWF Champion at all. Had things gone according to the original plan, it would have been Champion Vader that would have been vanquished at ‘97’s Royal Rumble by the heroic Heartbreak Kid, not Sid.
However, Vader was a pretty tough customer and Michaels was at the height of his ‘Prima Donna’ phase. According to Jim Cornette, HBK flat-out refused to work with Vader, or drop the belt to him, because Vader’s style was too painful and tough to endure.
To this day, Vader remains one of the (many) deserving competitors that never got a chance at being WWE Champion, which is a shame. He’d headlined (and been Champion) all over the world, but never quite got to the top of the WWF, thanks to Michaels.
But there has to be a world where he managed it, right?
In this world, Vader caught wind of Michaels’ objection to working with him and told The Undertaker, who decided to ‘persuade’ HBK to go through with the match.
His plan worked and Vader became the WWF Champion at the 1996 Survivor Series, losing the belt back to Michaels at Royal Rumble. He then defeated Bret Hart for the title, after Michaels left the company in a sulk a short while later.
Vader was a far better champion than Sid would have been anyway and his powerhouse style complimented his feuds with Hart, Austin and Undertaker very well. He stayed in the company for quite a while, actually.
He also reignited his classic rivalry with Mick Foley’s ‘Cactus Jack’ persona, as the two feuded for the WWF belt throughout 1999-2000.
After retiring in 2005, he returned to the WWE in 2010 as the ‘Enforcer’ of RAW.
2. ‘Stone Cold’ Became ‘Ice Dagger’ Instead?
We all know that ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin was one of the most awesome and revolutionary stars in the history of the wrestling business. He had an incredible run that saw him battle Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts and Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart, before winning the WWF Championship from Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV and becoming a megastar in the process.
However, in Mick Foley’s first autobiography, Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks (an essential read for any wrestling fan), he recounts that when Steve Austin approached WWF creative requesting a more ‘cold blooded’ character to portray, the company got carried away with the cold temperature instead of the cold attitude and suggested a number of summarily crappy names based on this.
According to Foley, among the suggested character names were ‘Chilly McFreeze’ and ‘Ice Dagger’. Not cool, WWF, not cool.
Of course, not long after this, Austin’s wife made him a hot drink and then admonished him that, if he didn’t drink it soon, it would get ‘stone cold’ - and thus a legend was born (true story).
...But what if Austin was thirsty and had drunk it straight away?
Here, we come to a world where Austin’s rise to prominence never took place. ‘Ice Dagger’ was just one more character to play, like ‘The Ringmaster’, or ‘Stunning’ Steve Austin and he embarked on a low-level run as an ‘enhancement talent’, playing ‘jobber to the stars’.
Of course, Austin’s in-ring ability and innate charisma helped him shed the ‘Ice Dagger’ persona in favour of the beer swilling country and Western singer Merle ‘Crash’ Williams, but by that time, WWF had lost the ratings war and was being asset-stripped by WCW.
Austin went over to ECW, where he became a top-level star as ‘Serious Steve Williams’ and then signed on for one last run with WCW, who dressed him up as a psychotic clown (and then as ‘Shockmaster 2000’).
He opened a wrestling school in 2003, but no bugger showed up.
1. The Montreal Screwjob Never Took Place?
Probably the most controversial event in modern wrestling history, the aptly named ‘Montreal Screwjob’ is still being hotly debated by fans and wrestlers to this day. Due to a contractual dispute (amongst other things) Vince McMahon, together with co-conspirators Shawn Michaels and referee Earl Hebner, screwed then-WWF Champion Bret Hart out of both his title and his legacy at the 1997 Survivor Series Pay Per View.
I’m not going to go into all the ‘ins and outs’ of the Screwjob, because, frankly, I’ll be here all day if I do, but suffice it to say that it was a pretty shameful act, regardless of what the justification for it might have been.
At the end of a decent, but largely underwhelming, main event (which was to be Hart’s last for the company), Shawn Michaels locked ‘The Hitman’ into his own finisher, the Sharpshooter. Just as Bret was about to escape the hold, referee Earl Hebner called for the bell and the belt was mysteriously awarded to Michaels.
In retaliation, Hart formed a one-man riot and smashed the sh!t out of the arena, before heading backstage and punching McMahon’s lights out.
He then went over to WCW, where they promptly did nothing with him and his illustrious career finally ended because Bill Goldberg wasn’t a very good wrestler.
However, in this parallel world, the so-called ‘Screwjob’ never took place. Here, Hart left the WWF on good terms (following the planned DQ finish) and the company booked a tournament for the vacant WWF title (which Michaels ultimately won).
The ‘Attitude’ Era, however, never quite kicked off without the evil Mr. McMahon and his resultant feud with Steve Austin and, as a result, WCW and WWF remain neck and neck to this day.
WCW, for its part, made a big deal about Hart being the ‘undefeated’ WWF Champion and his presence drew well for the company.
However, in 2001, WWF brought Bret Hart back into the fold and he became a significant part of the company’s success, feuding with The Rock, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and The Undertaker and helping the company reach even greater heights. He ultimately retired against The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXII.
So that’s it, our tour of the professional wrestling multiverse is at an end. Did we learn anything at all?
Personally, I doubt it.
- CQ